The other night, trying to fall asleep but worrying over the 1000 things that I have no control over, a thought visited me that I hadn’t seen in a while.
In the recent past, even in some of the older posts on here, I have mourned the life I imagined having if my accident never happened. I mourn the loss of a symmetrical smile. I mourn the loss of perfect balance. I mourn the loss of a comfortable, straightforward, inconsequential existence.
This time, however, no tears came. Sure, I won’t have any of those things. Instead, I have 13 scars, some flat and light, others dark and new. I have a whole makeup bag of supplies for my delicate right eye. I have an intolerance for lazy people and anti-vaxxers. Where I lost an easy life in my accident, I gained aspirations far beyond anything I could have imagined possible for me.
This time, I told myself “tough shit.” Sure, my life isn’t as ‘easy’ post-accident as it was before, but I also would have never believed in my resilience and capability like I do now. The things about my life that I feel are hard: the emotional turmoil of the medical school application process, the demands of balancing volunteering and full-time employment, nurturing and supporting my loved ones. Those things reflect what I truly value, and they are also things that I would have never expected that I could handle in my previous life.
This time, thinking about how my life would have turned out without my accident felt like mourning a very mediocre version of myself. It clicked, finally, that there is absolutely no value in expending energy thinking about that; the road that lies ahead is free from the bounds I once had on my capability. I have far more confidence in the woman I am, than the woman I could have been.
Although I only JUST had that revelation, I think that’s part of why I have been pretty quiet on here, for which I apologize. This blog started as I navigated my ‘new normal’ and adjusted to my different life. Now that I am spending less time thinking about these differences, I have less to talk about on here. I will, of course, continue to post when I feel inspired, but wanted to provide some context for my silence.