The Road That Lies Ahead

The other night, trying to fall asleep but worrying over the 1000 things that I have no control over, a thought visited me that I hadn’t seen in a while.

In the recent past, even in some of the older posts on here, I have mourned the life I imagined having if my accident never happened. I mourn the loss of a symmetrical smile. I mourn the loss of perfect balance. I mourn the loss of a comfortable, straightforward, inconsequential existence.

This time, however, no tears came. Sure, I won’t have any of those things. Instead, I have 13 scars, some flat and light, others dark and new. I have a whole makeup bag of supplies for my delicate right eye. I have an intolerance for lazy people and anti-vaxxers. Where I lost an easy life in my accident, I gained aspirations far beyond anything I could have imagined possible for me.

This time, I told myself “tough shit.” Sure, my life isn’t as ‘easy’ post-accident as it was before, but I also would have never believed in my resilience and capability like I do now. The things about my life that I feel are hard: the emotional turmoil of the medical school application process, the demands of balancing volunteering and full-time employment, nurturing and supporting my loved ones. Those things reflect what I truly value, and they are also things that I would have never expected that I could handle in my previous life.

This time, thinking about how my life would have turned out without my accident felt like mourning a very mediocre version of myself. It clicked, finally, that there is absolutely no value in expending energy thinking about that; the road that lies ahead is free from the bounds I once had on my capability. I have far more confidence in the woman I am, than the woman I could have been.

Although I only JUST had that revelation, I think that’s part of why I have been pretty quiet on here, for which I apologize. This blog started as I navigated my ‘new normal’ and adjusted to my different life. Now that I am spending less time thinking about these differences, I have less to talk about on here. I will, of course, continue to post when I feel inspired, but wanted to provide some context for my silence.

 

3 thoughts on “The Road That Lies Ahead

  1. It took me way more years than you to grasp the value of each negative & positive life plateau bringing me to a better me! You got this, girl! Thank you for sharing. Love to your folks from a name in their distant past❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks, Amber, for posting this. It’s a really wonderful universal wisdom that applies to all of us. To become more comfortable with what IS rather than yearn for what COULD have been. I think your life as it is is a huge value add to the world. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you, Amber for your blog. I am awed by the wonderful person you have become, and your grit in the eye of adversity. Keep on writing. You are having an impact on more people than you will ever know. I am so proud of you. Lots of Love, Grandma Dimick

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s