Over the weekend at a restaurant, I overheard a conversation happening at table of friends catching up over a meal. Somehow, the conversation had drifted to one friend’s recent nose job. I heard them rationalizing the surgery to their attentive and supportive friends, and didn’t think much of it other than it seemed a bit shallow. However, when I was talking about it to my boyfriend later that day, I dissolved into tears.
Let me make one thing clear: I do not give two shits about any alterations anyone does or does not make to their face. So why had this conversation made me cry, hours after hearing it? It made me mad. Not because it was a nose job, I don’t care about that. I was envious because they were the ones that got to decide that they wanted a new nose. It was a TRULY elective surgery, they got to decide to improve the face they were born with.
In 2018, I had five surgeries on my face, all of which were performed by plastic surgeons. Those weren’t plastic surgeries, though. Those were reconstructive surgeries. My accident, my facial paralysis, stripped me of the right to just change my natural face because I don’t like it. I don’t get to do anything to my face for improvement, everything I do is a step back to my normal. I don’t like my face. I don’t like it because it’s a lingering reminder of a terrible point in my life. I don’t like it because it doesn’t really work all the time. I don’t like it because I miss how it used to be.
When I am getting botox injections, it will not be to prevent wrinkles. It will be to partially paralyze my working side, so that my face looks more symmetrical. I know this is an odd point, but wishing you could change your face is a privilege- take a minute to revel in it. Maybe your nose is too big or too crooked or too round, but it’s yours, and you are in total control of how it (or your attitude) changes. In general, I avoid thinking about the things I don’t like about my face. Most of the time, it’s because I choose not to dwell on the things I don’t have. Sometimes, though, it’s because I’m afraid to know how long the list really is.
Reading through this, I’m unsure of whether or not to share it- it’s not exactly light hearted. That said, it’s a good reminder to myself and everyone else to be nicer to ourselves. I still don’t like my face but I will stop picking on her for tonight, she got seriously hurt and she’s doing the best she can to recover. I will be kinder to myself if you do too, deal?