I’ve half-written so many posts in the last few weeks, but then I get distracted before I am able to finish my thought and the magic is over.

Right now, there are thousands of thoughts running through my head. I wish it were an appropriate hour to go to bed so I could get some quiet and collect my thoughts (it’s 1 in the afternoon). I also want to tear my hair out and pace until there’s a hole in the carpet. So, I’m here writing this post instead. I just had an appointment with the doctor who performed surgery on my facial nerve in April of 2016, just to check in regarding the progress being made by my nerves. I’ve seen him a handful of times since my surgery, but I’m feeling like I shouldn’t need to still be following up with him. Shouldn’t this part be over?

He wasn’t in any way negative about how slowly my progress is going, but I do think that he (and I) figured we would see more significant improvement by now. Ultimately, my face issue WILL get resolved, I just hadn’t considered anything other than a full recovery as the outcome. I guess because of the degree of my nerve damage, there’s a chance that only SOME of the axons (nerve fibers) regenerate, but not enough to make my face move again. There’s also the chance that nothing else will progress, but that would make even less sense than a complete, seamless recovery.

This problem of partial regeneration, or even no further regeneration, is fixable. But it’s more surgery and it won’t give me my old face back. I feel like I’ve hit a wall with the amount of hope and optimism I can muster for a cause that’s showing no signs of improvement, but thinking about surgery instead of waiting out the healing process seems too extreme.

When I’m home again in December, I will get another EMG (nerve test), and that will give me more information as far as the amount and degree of regeneration that’s going on, then I can plan from there. I’m just really fucking tired, and I want off this emotional rollercoaster now, please.

I guess, based the tone of these last few posts, you could say I’m officially no longer riding that post-near-death-experience high. That being said, there is a lot of really great stuff happening in my life that just doesn’t inspire their own blog posts. The other day, I successfully wore wedges on grass ALL day and didn’t eat shit once, so that was pretty cool. But I’m not sure what more I could write about that one. Sorry if these posts are kind of a bummer, but this IS my life and sometimes the cost of authenticity is a lack of rainbows and butterflies.

5 thoughts on “Shouldn’t this part be over?

  1. You’re allowed to be frustrated. You’re allowed to be tired. you’re allowed to be human. This “bummer” faze is just that- a season…keep counting the good as much as you’re counting the hard…it will help keep perspective. And when you can’t find the right amount of hope, find the smallest amount of faith…let God be in charge of you, our your nerves, or your recovery…let yourself be taken care of…you don’t have to do it alone.

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  2. Amber. Just keep writing. Keep pouring it out of you so it doesn’t get all stuck and gummed up. I can’t say I know how you feel, but I do know that life is all about challenges and how we deal with them. Keep searching for the wedges in the grass moments. Let them carry you along. And don’t worry about not making any decisions at the moment on the future. Just breathe. You are awesome. Xxoo

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  3. UGH. UGH…UGH…is my lame attempt to commiserate. But, for the record,(& I will preface this by saying I’m not a nerve specialist), I noticed a difference. I noticed those lines that form when we smile, at the corner of your smile. There used to be no lines, now there are 3. Maybe it was the fact that I was completely sober at that dinner, but I noticed those 3 lines. I noticed the fire in your eyes & the deeper expression in your face. So, I am confident that your EMG will agree with me. That being said…your’e allowed to be frustrated…even MAD as hell. I love you Ambys. You’re a ROCKSTAR. I suggest you go out on the town in your hol(e)y FREEBIRD tshirt, just because.XOXOXOXOXOXOXoxoxoxo

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