So, this post is probably coming a little sooner than expected. I’m actually writing this from a plane to Croatia (then home). If anyone has been keeping track of the timing, my summer class should still be in progress right now. Yesterday (Monday), I took my third exam of the class (out of 4), but it was also the withdrawal deadline for summer classes.
I was not in a great position going into this third test, and I was going to need to do WELL in order to even have a hope of passing the class at all, let alone get a decent grade. While I got the best grade I had gotten in the class so far, it wasn’t high enough to make this agony worthwhile in terms of not only my GPA, but my mental and emotional health. The first semester was exhausting and I give myself kudos for getting through it, but I just didn’t have the gas to get through this second session at the same pace with arguably double the difficulty.
Organic (both semesters, but especially this second one) really challenged my confidence in my intelligence, the thing I was sourcing the majority of my self-esteem from as of late. Since my accident, my thinking has been a bit off-center. It was ‘easy’ to let go of my insecurities over how I looked because I never doubted that I was smart; something that is equally as important as looks, at least in my opinion. I have since learned that these things are not necessarily equal to everyone, but it was easy to trade one for the other when I was first coming to terms with my new ‘look.’
You may disagree with me placing so much of my effort into my academic performance, and for that I don’t blame you. To counter, I ask how you would feel if you were in a situation where the things that made you YOU were peeled away gradually. How you look? Who you surround yourself with? How you think?
I’ve been living in this very raw place, but every small achievement is another piece of armor being rebuilt, and this stupid class was threatening to strip it all away again. It’s totally obtuse that not understanding chemistry somehow says more about who I am than going from being half-paralyzed to fully mobile in a matter of months. It’s something I’m working on, but in the meantime, why put myself through this?
Anyone that knows me knows I like to have a plan. Med school is the plan and organic is a necessary intersection I need to pass (literally), but WHY I decided it would be a good idea to do it this way I will never know. So I’m tabling Organic II until the spring. It feels like I’m giving up, but I’m the one who decided this was the way my summer needed to go for some crazy reason so I’m the one putting a stop to it!
P.S. Sorry for yet another scenic sunset picture. I try not to attach images that are TOO specific.