Bats in the cave

I’m in a café scrolling through the usual barrage of early morning emails on my phone, when out of the corner of my (left) eye, I notice something on the right side of my face by my nose. I feel around covertly—are there remnants of this morning’s yogurt still hanging around? No, no, much worse. It’s a massive booger that has been dangling out of my right nostril (which I cannot feel) for lord knows how long. You know when people will say you have ‘bats in the cave’ for when you have obvious boogers hanging around? Well my bats escape all the time without me noticing. You could say I have a bat problem…I furtively glance around to see if anyone was watching my discovery of this gross THING on my face, or worse, saw it before I did. This is the shit people have nightmares about. And it happens to me all the time.

I dig deep to find the laughter in this situation and once again I bless the fact that I did not start from the kind of physical beauty that people notice or that made me care about my looks in a meaningful way. I guess nonchalantly checking for boogers that I can’t feel is another thing to add to my list. I also take 10 napkins instead of 2 with my sandwich, as I know I will get all kinds of food all over my face in places I can’t feel. I have developed a really great sense of humor about this stuff. And, surrender – I am so good at surrender. I know “it is what it is” from the inside now.

I have adapted; I have stashes of straws and napkins in all of my handbags, and I always sit on the far right of my classes, so I don’t unintentionally ignore anyone who asks me a question or passes me a handout. I try to always be on the left in pictures; I guess I’m a pretty extreme example of having a ‘good side’. Yes, these changes make things more complicated than they used to be, but what is my alternative? Plus, I am still just so happy to be here and healthy, both body and soul. But, its also not always easy for me. Sometimes, I am a short or bitchy, because the alternative of being weak and showing how vulnerable I am is just not something I can do. I have had to let go of my ideas of the way things should look or feel; this accident kind of incinerated that box. But, it’s a waste of time to worry about it and for sure its not getting my powere. I’m not going to let these changes to the way I live my life affect the fact that I’m LIVING it.

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