The other day, my mom sent me a picture of a quote that said “Never chase what you want. Elevate your game until what you want chases you. ” At first I LOVED it, but the more I think about it there are definite exceptions to this saying. Being raised by a lawyer, i can think of a counter for any argument. So, the first thing that came to mind is my very recent, and apparently very late, desire to go to medical school. Maybe the quote works when we’re talking about friends or boys, but I am thinking I will be lucky if I can get in at all. It IS what I want to do, but I’m not sure that THEY will be chasing ME, ever. I get the sense that committing to being a doctor is committing to 10ish years of scrambling to prove that I deserve to be there. PLEASE correct me if I’m mistaken.
I came into college as a biology major, then promptly balked at the sheer amount of work involved, changed my major to exercise science, then changed it BACK to biology halfway through my senior year. No, the amount of work has not changed. But I have. I have decided that I want to go to medical school, and I know it’s going to be hard as shit, but I would never NOT do something I want because it’s a lot of work. Freshman year, I didn’t have a clue about what I wanted to do with my life, I only knew that I loved science. This year has revealed what I already kind of knew about myself; I do not run from a challenge. A year ago I faced the biggest challenge of my life. But I survived. Maybe even thrived. And nothing will ever be as difficult as that. As figuring out how to breathe without a ventilator. As re-learning how to move the left side of my body. As driving safely with one eye.
I don’t mean to make this blog a platform for complaining about all these things that are suddenly very difficult for me, and I hope this isn’t perceived as such, but my life is significantly more challenging in a lot of ways, and this is just about me trying to figure out how to get around them! So, the first is the mountain on top of which medical school is sitting. But, knowledge is power and ignoring the challenge isn’t going to make it any less hard. I guess it’s not a struggle that’s new, just new to ME. I’m just trying to not fixate on how difficult it’s going to be, and instead focus on giving all of my energy to what is in front of me.
I’m so grateful for anyone in my life who has talked me out of the black hole of despair, I know there are a lot of you!